I was walking the dogs this morning when I took notice of the date, May 25. Today would have been my eleven year anniversary. But I guess it’s not. Because I’m not married any more.
What surprised me the most about this realization is my lackluster response. No bitterness, no melancholy and the infinite sadness. Just maybe a fleeting smile that whispered across my lips and a momentary lift in my heart for the man I once loved so hard that I thought my heart would break trying to hold all of that passion for one person. Once upon a time.
Over time, my heart did break. Not in the ways I anticipated but through everyday erosion and daily deterioration that left me feeling lonely and alone. Big blows and heavy hits that knocked the air from my lungs and the hope from my heart. And yet, there was still love, a love I wanted to feel so deeply that I couldn’t let go of it. I clutched it in my hands and forgave it in my mind and wished so hard for it to last that I sometimes forgot to breathe.
But no one can live forever gasping for air with balled fists. That’s no way to love. I admitted that to myself a long time ago when I first let the possibility of divorce enter my thoughts. I let that decision move in with me and follow me around like a shadow, for months, then years. We co-existed and in some ways, it was the most intimate partner I’ve ever had. As soon as I stopped wrestling with love, and made space for possibility, my energy became available for understanding that decision. There were no checklists, no pros and cons, no decision-making matrices, no couples counseling. It was just me and the decision, constant companions. Until one day, the decision broke rank, walked out in front of me, bright as day and clear as a bell, waving a white flag of peace.
And in an instant, my heart responded, “Oh hello. There you are, pleased to meet you. I’ve been waiting for you.” No wrestling with the outcome, no resisting the decision, no turning back. Peace through clarity.
May 25 will always be the anniversary of a day on which I registered unique hopes, dreams, and plans for my future with the universe. A fairy tale that I wanted to weave with a man I once loved with all of me. But I don’t experience any of that with regret or even a hint of nostalgia. I don’t want to go back there, I don’t want to be that girl again, and I don’t wish for things to be different than they are now.
I know how I got here. It was a long, slow, deliberate, walk. Some might say it took me too long. It didn’t. It took as long as it needed to take. And it’s where I want to be. I am becoming again who I want to be. When I step out into each new day, even though it might not bear much resemblance to the future I once wished for myself, that wish has lost its significance. A fleeting smile whispers across my lips and my heart lifts with a greeting, “Oh hello, my future. There you are, pleased to meet you. I’ve been waiting for you.”